On the purity of coaching

When you learn coaching, one thing that gets hammered home is the non-directive nature of the inquiry. The coach is not an advice-giver, but a facilitator—someone holding space to serve the client’s goals.

In the coaching container, we begin the dance of bringing things into light and form. Coaches are passionate about the dance, knowing first-hand what’s possible. They talk a lot about the dance, often dumbfounding others who’ve yet to dance.

But coaching is powerful in this way—it stands opposed to much of the conversation we have in that we don’t offer our own opinions, or continually interject our own experience. This gives our clients the time and space to find themselves in new ways.

Inevitably, coaches soon come up against the tension between coaching and mentoring. I’ve heard coaching described as “drawing out” vs the “putting in” of mentoring.

In the beginning, many people came to me for mentoring. A lot of my clients work in Tech, and they were keen to tap into my experience around engineering, startups and leadership.

I resisted this. I would tack a little mentoring on at the end, but keep the bulk of the engagement in the traditional coaching format. In my head, I was also taking a stand against the coaches doing little more than shilling out cookie-cutter advice for crazy fees.

But the more time I spent with people, the more I adjusted my approach. Why? Because the needs of people are so diverse. Oftentimes they are tracing out horizons and exploring possibilities. Perfect for coaching.

But sometimes they are navigating precision and particulars, where knowledge matters. In those cases, I can offer a couple of pointers that will save them hours of open-ended inquiry.

Many people show up at my door because of my experience. They chose someone fluent in Tech, engineering & business-building. And masking that part of myself feels increasingly unhelpful.

But it’s always a careful balance. I’ve noticed that leaning too far into mentoring in a session can kill the flow and power of an inquiry. It suddenly feels flat. The dance grinds to an awkward halt.

I’m also careful about marking any suggestions as just that; offered for consideration, not bestowed as a prescription. The certainty of a prescription may feel good in the short term, but ultimately it short-changes the client.

These days my North Star is less about maintaining the purity of coaching, more about serving the people I coach in whatever way is most appropriate.