The thinker and the connoisseur

I spend a lot of time thinking about better ways to explain coaching, ideally without using the word coaching at all.

Here’s one that uses the letter C a lot.

We have a lot of chats day to day. They are usually brief, involving information exchange and a repetition of niceties.

Then there’s a real conversation. It lasts longer, and there’s some give and take—a natural buoyancy that carries you both along. Your partner didn’t talk over you half the time or cram unwelcome advice down your throat. You might have walked away feeling lighter. It felt good to get those thoughts out of your head and share them with someone else.

There are also those conversations that change lives, whether through casting something in a new light, untangling a dilemma or providing the perfectly weighted nudge in the right direction.

Let’s use this as a model:

1/ Chat 2/ Conversation 3/ Coaching

Each builds on the last and adds something more.

In a chat, you have two people broadcasting information.

In a conversation, the same people are sharing, but the topics and the level of engagement are deeper.

Coaching includes the elements of a good conversation, but elevates it to another level in several unique ways.

In a coaching conversation, there is a thinker and a connoisseur.

The thinker sets the direction: something they want to explore or a goal they want to achieve.

The coach is a connoisseur of transformative conversation: someone who has facilitated hundreds of conversations and knows how to recognise the opportunities, navigate the snags and keep things moving forward. They’re not “better” at conversations, they’re just more experienced.

The connoisseur’s job is to pilot the conversation in a way that helps the thinker explore their direction and find a way forward. That might include surfacing what’s most important to the thinker, surmounting obstacles or reflecting on previous failures.

The connoisseur is dedicated to the thinker and respects the work they have to do today. They do not try to direct it in a direction that satisfies their own desires.

The connoisseur will hold uninterrupted space for the thinker to do their thinking. The responsiveness and witnessing create a sense of safety for the thinker to say the unsayable, to think what they’ve not thought before, and to generally rediscover themselves in a sealed container away from the usual noise of life, before being set free again.

All of this is possible through the quality of the relationship, which is one of equal footing: one person is not well and the other sick. This is a mutual inquiry that prioritises authenticity over attainment; uniqueness over uniformity.

Chats are everywhere. A good conversation is not as common. Coaching conversations are rarer still, but increasingly valuable for those looking to re-establish their purpose and take the next leap.