When the goal gets in the way

People often come to coaching with a clear destination in mind—write the book, change careers, start the company. The goal is usually externally visible and socially legible.

But as we dig deeper it’s not really about the goal. It’s about confidence, boundaries or burnout. It’s about internal struggle and external distraction.

Coaches have a saying for this, to be delivered with a self-satisfied smile: coach the person, not the problem.

One idea that shines some light on this (thanks Mark!) is the distinction between destinational and directional living, popularised by Megan Hellerer.

Destinational living focuses on conventional outcomes that promise fulfilment, security and success in the future. We focus on the goal and work backwards, employing any means to justify the ends.

This can be powerful. But long-term plans rarely survive contact with life. And the exasperation that results from doubling-down on the plan is the genesis of many coaching discovery calls.

Directional living takes a different approach.

We move forward in a particular direction, not knowing the exact destination. It’s less project management; more real-time attention to your roots. This grants freedom—to experiment and course-correct as you go.

Here are some questions I ask people to return to their roots:

• What energises you?
• What practices keep you grounded?
• What strategies are no longer working for you?

A little dialogue and suddenly they’re moving again.

They may go on to achieve their original goals. But rather than gripping to an outcome, directional living promotes coherence—all parts of ourselves pointing in one direction. It trusts that we will arrive at an appropriate destination, once we’re aligned and clear about our motivations.

When this dawns for a client, they tell me they feel like a participant, rather than a means to their own ends.

This is why, when I feel stuck, I return to my roots:

Food. Movement. Sleep. People.

When I’m running, talking, sleeping and eating well, the writing is an inevitable output.

The next time you’re straining towards a destination, ask how you might approach this directionally.

Or if you want to handbrake turn in a new direction, work with an experienced wayfarer.

p.s. The note I riffed on yesterday is a recipe for directional living.